I finally put an end to my toxic relationship
Yesterday night I take a look at my journal. Dated back in June 2020 was me talking about breaking up with my then-boyfriend. The funny part was it took me 8 long months to finally manifest the courage to break things off.
That relationship was my first ever serious relationship that lasts a bit over 2 years. Before, no one even comes close to 4 months. So it was quite a big deal. I genuinely love him. Despite the challenges — Emotional incapability, crisis resolution, different faiths, and different outlook of life. We’re entirely different people trying too hard to stay together. There’s a lot to sort out, and reflecting back not many that we can pass by.
And after those 2-something-years, It took a long long time to finally accept that it was toxic. And these are my personal takeaways on what’s going on and what I feel about the relationship.
Toxic relationships are not always manipulative and intentional
We’re putting ourselves in that situation not because my ex or I was a bad person. It’s just that we’re wired differently and sometimes no matter how hard we tried - things just can’t be solved. In my case, one of the examples, is the way we internalize our fights were contrary to one another; he preferred to take it in and think about it also being MIA doing so, meanwhile, I prefer to talk it out and when he’s being avoidant will only create damage for me. But it was not purposeful. He’s not doing so to hurt me, he did it to make sure that he really thinks things through and takes his time to really reflect on what’s going on, what did he do or says, etc. At that time, it really riled me up — I got pent up anger, was devastated and my brain can’t help to think the worst of him because insecurity and overthink always a trait that eats me up on daily basis. That was on both of us, on him to not communicate (that he needs time and space) and on me to not compromise. And it was entirely intentional. Sometimes it’s your self-defense mechanism, your coping mechanics, that others may not understand. The point being, your partner may
If you think that it was toxic then it is. DO NOT doubt yourself.
The signs can be awfully vague. But when you start to question that whether it’s toxic or not — it probably is. Your partner may not physically abuse you, if he was then it’s an obvious red flag, but sometimes mentally and emotionally it was exhausting. There’s a lot of references that I read about signs of a toxic relationship. I’m close to reaching the conclusion but most of the time I’m in denial, I made excuses. Believing that this is what long-term relationships usually face. Believing that it’s a phase. Your instinct or subconscious already putting on the puzzle pieces. Do not make the same mistake as I. So if they already telling you something then:
Take a step back, think things through. Put an end to when it is due.
Fixing things was not always the answer. The moment I finally muster up the courage to break up happened because I went on vacation with friends from my intern years. One of them handling the post-breakup sadness, and the other was facing a rocky long-distance relationship. All three of us sit and talk about our respective relationships — them being sappy and I being frustrated, full of anger and resentment. The entirety of that vacation gives a slap of reality that I was unhappy and detaching—from the relationship and him — feels relieving.
Take a moment. Breathe in. Breathe without the thought of your partner hovering over you.
When deciding, don’t look back. Look ahead.
When you’re thinking about the relationship, think about the present and future. Do not solely think whether you love your partner or not, but will they be worth the commitment and devotion to come? Think about how it will affect you? what will you feel? Not to “us” or “we”. Put yourself about all else. Do not compromise your wellbeing and happiness — Never. Especially NOT by thinking that you already put so much into the relationship. Because nostalgia, memories, the past is not what you need. What you need is going forward, and whether going forward with your partner is the right decision to go through.
Prioritize yourselves then think about your partner. Do not think about how you love them, think about: will they change for the better?
In the end
I’m writing this out of spite — just because. Your journey will be different from mine. Different heads, different hearts. Just know that you should be your own priority. Not the one you hopelessly fall for, not the relationship, but you.
